The Living Years
by ballistics belle
Summary: She knew all too well that suffocating feeling of being alone in life. She knew the weight of knowing that there was no one else left in the world that looked like you, that talked like you, that remembered 'that one time…' She knew, which was the only reason she could think why she leaned up on her toes and whispered softly in his ear "At lo levad."
1. A Hostage to All His Hopes and Fears

**a/n: **This is set mid season 10 somewhere between "Hit and Run" (10x13) and "Canary" (10x14). Somewhat AU. Tiva.

_Every generation blames the one before and all of their frustrations come beating on your door. I know that I'm a prisoner to all my father held so dear. I know that I'm a hostage to all his hopes and fears. I just wish I could have told him in the living years.—Mike & The Mechanics, The Living Years_

Ziva never meant to shut her partner out.

She and Tony had been on the verge of _something _before Eli had shown up and thrown her world into chaos once more. When her father died though, it was as if everything else around her had disappeared and the only thing she could see was red. She wanted revenge and she was willing to do whatever she had to to get it. Unfortunately in her pursuit of vengeance she had forgotten the gentle words he had spoken to her on the tarmac just before she boarded the flight to Israel. _"You are not alone."_

Tony wanted to be there for her. He wanted to help her, stand side by side with her as her partner instead of being forced onto the sidelines and kept in the dark. Unfortunately Ziva just didn't know how to let him in. So she pretended like everything was okay when she was around him and resorted to using sleepless nights to do her plotting, in the hope that it would hold off his suspicion until she had a lead.

So when her phone began to vibrate on the nightstand just after three am with her partner's name flashing across the screen she was half tempted to ignore the call. But she knew there would be hell to pay if she ignored it and it was about work, not to mention that she would never forgive herself if something was wrong and he had needed her. Begrudgingly, she reached a hand to retrieve the device and stabbed the answer button.

"Somebody had better be dead." She growled in greeting. Tony's drunken laughter floated across the line and she almost hung up on him when he finally spoke.

"Oh, it's funny cause it's true." He mockingly lamented. Ziva couldn't help the gasp that escaped her as she sat up, a familiar fear creeping down her spine.

"What?" Her heart started to race in a sudden panic. "Who? Please tell me it's not—"

"What? No!" He exclaimed, understanding what she couldn't bring herself to say. "God, don't even joke about something like that." He added, sobering slightly. She breathed a sigh of relief, knowing that their team was safe for now.

"Then who—"

"My father." Tony replied, matter-of-factly.

"Oh Tony. I am so sorry." Ziva said sincerely and she could almost hear the uncomfortable shrug in his voice.

"Yeah, thanks."

"How did it happen?" She asked gently. She didn't remember hearing him mention anything about his father being ill so it had to have been something sudden.

"I'm a little fuzzy on the details. Something about his heart…I think? I don't know." He muttered.

A clinking of ice in a glass could be heard as well and Ziva had to bite back her cluck of disapproval. She did not like the way her partner turned to alcohol first in a crisis and seemed to only find the courage to reach out to others after a couple of cocktails.

"I am coming over." She declared, closing her lap top.

"No Zi. That's not necessary." He insisted. "I'm fine."

"You are drunk and in pain. You are _not _fine." She corrected while searching for her sneakers.

"I'm not drunk." He countered. "Well…maybe just a little. But I'm not in pain." He sneered as if insulted by her insinuation. She rolled her eyes and shoved one arm into her jacket.

"Whatever. I am coming over." Ziva repeated.

"Fine." Tony huffed before hanging up.

She groaned and stuffed the phone in her bag as she shuffled towards the door. Any hope she had of making any progress tonight had just been thrown out the window but she had a hard time regretting her decision to answer the call. Tony had been there for her when she lost her father. Now it was time for her to return the favor.


	2. It's the Bitterness That Lasts

**a/n: **Thank you all so much. I am overwhelmed by the response to this story and I hope that you all enjoy this second part as much as the first.

_So we open up a quarrel between the present and the past. We only sacrifice the future, it's the bitterness that last. So don't yield to the fortunes you sometimes see as fate. It may have a new perspective on a different date and if you don't give up and don't give in you may just be okay.—Mike & the Mechanics, The Living Years_

Tony was sitting on the steps in front of his building when Ziva arrived.

"What the hell are you doing?" She hissed as she approached him. He was only in a tee shirt and jeans-no jacket in sight-despite the freezing February temperatures.

"Waitin' for you," He slurred as he tilted precariously to one side.

"It is the middle of the night and it is snowing. Where is your coat?" Ziva chastised. One of her hands migrated to rest on her hip while the other waved aimlessly at the falling flakes.

" 'm not cold." Tony attempted to stand but his feet slipped as he rose and he crashed back down onto the slushy concrete.

"And where are you shoes?" She exclaimed. His feet were bare and turning an angry shade of red from exposure to the cold. Tony looked down them as if just now noticing this fact. She just shook her head. "How much have you had to drink?"

"A lot." He admitted. "But I think I get a pass on this one Zi. I mean, my father is dead." He reminded. As if she had forgotten.

"That is not an excuse to behave this way." She declared. "Now get up and get back inside before your feet become frostmittens."

"Bitten. Frostbitten." He corrected as he attempted to stand again. He made it up right this time with some assistance from her and then the two of them wove their way inside and up to his apartment.

The sight that met her on the other side of the door was only slightly more depressing than the one of him sitting outside half dressed. It looked as though a tornado had swept through the place. Book and DVDs were strewn all over the floor, the ottoman had been overturned and something that felt suspiciously like glass crunched under foot as she entered.

"Sorry." He shrugged, not sounding the least bit apologetic. "It's a bit of a mess."

"Tony," Ziva said sternly "What happened?"

"I got mad?" He shrugged. She whirled around to face him.

"This is not mad, Tony. This is…" She trailed off, unsure how to accurately describe his destruction.

"You know how in the movies when an actor gets really angry he swipes his arm across his desk or a table and clears it in a fit of rage? Yeah well, it's not nearly as satisfying in real life." He explained. He moved to step past her but she threw out an arm to stop him. "Hey!"

"There is broken glass all over the floor. You will cut yourself." She pointed out as she gestured towards his shoes sitting by the door. He sighed in annoyance but followed her orders anyways. "When did you find out about your dad?" She asked in a gentler tone as she entered, trying to avoid the debris as she stepped.

"Oh I had this little beauty waiting for me when I got home tonight." Tony smiled humorlessly as he stomped his way over to the answering machine that had been knocked off the table but still managed to stay plugged in. He stabbed one of the buttons and the sound of an emotionless voice filled the room.

"_Mr. DiNozzo this is nurse Gina Wyler from New York Mercy Hospital. I'm calling to inform you that your father Anthony DiNozzo Senior was brought into our emergency room this morning. Unfortunately he suffered a major cardiac event and the doctors were unable to fully revive him. If you could please call us back to discuss what end of life decisions should be made…."_

The rest of the message was lost as Ziva saw the pain that her partner was trying to desperate to hide as he listened again.

"Oh Tony." She breathed. Her arm started to move towards him but he quickly dodged her and it dropped back limp at her side.

"Kind of anticlimactic isn't it?" He stated as he sagged against the book case. "Not the way I thought he'd go out…certainly not the way I want to go. I want something big, like going down in hail of bullets or a great big explosion."

"Do not say that." Ziva growled at him. The talk of his father's death was hard enough. She wasn't about to even think about Tony dying as well. Not now. Not ever.

"Sorry." Tony replied sincerely, knowing he had hit a nerve.

"Did you call them back?"

"Yup. Tried to tell the doc he could just pull the plug but he wouldn't go for it so I have to go up to New York and sign some papers or something." He shrugged again. Ziva was beginning to hate the gesture. She knew he was not really so nonchalant about his own father's death and she did not like him trying to fake it.

"Pull the plug?" She questioned.

"Take him off life support." He explained. "I guess he's not truly dead yet but it's just a technicality. I now get the great pleasure of killing my father essentially….huh, not the way I thought _that _would go down either." He said, more to himself than to her.

"Tony, if that is the case then why have you not left for New York yet?" She asked, exasperation creeping into her tone slightly. Tony could be difficult at best to deal with when he drank.

"What difference does it make? He's dead no matter when I get there so what's rush? Might as well kick back and have a few drinks in the old man's honor. Really, it's the way he would have wanted it." He pointed out with an air of indifference.

"Tony," She frowned in disapproval.

"I need more time alright? I'm not ready to let go." He snapped, his demeanor shifting from joking to angry to devastated in an instant. "I don't think I can do it Ziva. I don't think I can pull the plug on my father. He's all I have left." He whispered.

Ziva surprised even herself when she suddenly reached out and pulled her partner into her arms for a hug. He just looked so broken, standing before her with tears in his eyes, his shoulders sagging as his world seemed to crumble down around him. She knew all too well that suffocating feeling of being _alone_ in life. She knew the weight of knowing that there was no one else left in the world that looked like you, that talked like you, that remembered '_that one time…'_ She knew, which was the only reason she could think why she leaned up on her toes and whispered softly in his ear

"_At lo levad." _

He shuddered at the words, much the way she had that night on the airstrip, but unlike her he didn't hold back his tears. He hiccupped slightly as he buried his face in her shoulder and she held it in place as she softly stroked the back of his head in an attempt to comfort him. The role reversal was a bit odd. Normally Tony was the comforter. He was the one who would remain steadfast and stoic in the face of tragedy. He was the one who held her together while she fell apart. But tonight, it was her turn to step and be his rock.

"What am I going to do Zi?" He sobbed softly, his breath hot against her neck.

"Sleep." She replied, deliberately misinterpreting him. She couldn't answer his larger, metaphorical question right now because she was still trying to figure that one out herself, but she could take charge of the literal next steps.

"Ziva," He whined, not appreciating her misdirection. She cut him off before he could protest any further.

"Tony, there is nothing more you can do right now until you sober up so you might as well try to get some sleep. We can figure out what to do next in the morning." She explained. Tony stood up straight and pulled away slightly as he looked down at her.

"We?"

"Yes, _we_." She repeated, daring him to challenge her. Wisely, he didn't.


	3. I Can Never Leave the Past Behind

**a/n: **after the finale, I'm choosing to live in my own little word of denial. It's a far happier place to be.

_And I've been a fool and I've been blind, I can never leave the past behind. I can see no way, I can see no way. I'm always dragging that horse around and all of his questions such a mournful sound. Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground. So I like to keep my issues drawn, it's always darkest before the dawn.—Florence +the Machine, Shake It Out_

"You're late." Gibbs declared as Ziva scurried to her desk almost an hour late the next morning.

"I know." She answered, sounding part guilty part frustrated. Her boss just leveled an expectant stare towards her. "It's not what you think." Ziva tossed her bag in the corner behind her desk, frustration now taking over as the primary emotion. She knew what was going through his mind. That she had been out looking for Bodnar behind his back. Her partner had all but accused her of the same thing the night before.

"_We?" _

"_Yes, we." She repeated, daring him to challenge her. Wisely, he didn't. _

_Pulling apart completely, she pushed her partner towards the bedroom to change and flopped herself down on the couch, closing her eyes for a moment to try to fight back the exhaustion that was threatening to creep in now that the adrenaline rush had worn off. A few minutes later she heard the sound of Tony's feet stumbling back into the room and she cracked open an eye to watch him shuffle around to put in a DVD. _

"_You should try to sleep." Ziva reminded as he made his way over to her and the couch._

"_I'm not tired." He muttered. He sat down next to her; his side pressed up against hers and focused his attention on the TV. She sighed but didn't press the issue as she settled in beside him. "Hey Zi?" Tony called out to her quietly, never taking his eyes off the screen. _

"_Yes?"_

"_Thank you. For coming. I-I wasn't sure you would." He admitted._

"_Why would you think that?" She asked, unable to hide the hurt in her voice._

"_I don't know. It's just…ever since Eli…" He swallowed hard, unable to say the word right now. "You've been pulling away from me-from everyone really. So I just wasn't sure you'd answer. Wouldn't be the first time." He added under his breath. A sudden flush of indignation rose in her before she could stop it. She had thought they were past this. _

"_I told you I was sorry. I did not mean to slice you up—"_

"_Cut me out." He corrected. The words sound heavy, almost as if he barely had the energy to speak them and her anger dies as quickly as it rose. Now wasn't the time to go picking at wounds that were still healing. _

"_I did not mean to hurt you Tony. I _am_ sorry." She said, more sincerely this time. He doesn't look at her but instead just nodded his head slowly. _

"_I know Zi. I'm sorry too."_

_A softball sized lump formed in her throat and stole away any response she might have had. He was right (again). She had retreated into a shell she thought she'd lost a long time ago. She'd morphed back into a person who had no regard for how her actions might affect others so long as she felt secure. It made her feel like a jerk. This was supposed to be the "post-elevator" them, where they didn't hide things from each other and they talked honestly with each other. And she had ruined it. _

_She had ruined them._

"I was with Tony." Ziva informed. She came around her desk to stand in front of Gibbs like a child who had been called before the principle in school. It was an uncomfortable feeling and reminded her far too much of her father and the punishments of her youth.

"Uh huh and where is he?" Gibbs inquired, glancing around her to look at the empty desk across the bullpen.

"Tony is not coming in today. He is actually on his way to New York as we speak." She stated. Gibbs raised an eyebrow and tilted his head to the side as he waited for her to finish the statement. Going AWOL without his permission was one of the ultimate sins in the boss' world and she hurried to explain her partner's absence before Gibbs crucified him. "His father had a massive heart attack yesterday and was put on life support. Tony has gone up there to unplug him."

"Pull the plug." He corrected gently. His anger had dissipated to concern for his senior field agent. "Ah hell. Why didn't he call me and tell me about this last night?"

"He is having a hard time dealing with everything. I do not think he was thinking clearly." Ziva defended.

She knew that deep down Gibbs cared for all of them as if they were his own even if he would never admit it so she knew that Tony not telling him about something as big as this hurt the older man slightly even if he'd even let it show. Ziva wanted Gibbs to know that the snub wasn't a personal affront but rather a lapse of memory.

"You took him to the airport?" He questioned though it came across more like a statement. She nodded anyways. She had taken Tony to the airport and walked him all the way to his gate (perks of being a federal agent) and didn't leave until she saw the plane take off. He had been reluctant to leave and she didn't trust him to not find a way to get out of going again. Getting drunk last night had just been a stall tactic and she wasn't about to let him find another one.

_By the time morning rolled around, Ziva wasn't sure who felt worse. They had both passed out on the couch for a few hours before getting up at dawn so that Tony could get the first flight of the day to New York and they were definitely feeling the effects from the night before. _

"_Why can't I just drive?" Tony whined as Ziva shoved a plate of toast across the counter at him after he showered. She had packed him a bag while he was in the bathroom, making sure to include his best black suit and tie, though she wasn't sure if he'd appreciate the gesture or not._

"_Because you are in no condition to be driving right now. I am not even sure you are completely sober." She stated._

"_I'm good." He countered with a grunt. Ziva frowned. He was far from good and it wasn't just the hangover that had him red-eyed and puffy. "Some fresh air would do me better than that recycled crap you get on planes." Tony muttered. She sighed. _

_He was trying to stall, to give himself time to accept that his father was gone for good this time. Unfortunately, denial was far easier to find than acceptance which was why he kept trying to put it off. Part of her envied him. She never got the luxury of time. For her and Eli, it was just over. _

"_Tony," she said softly, reaching across the counter for his hand. "You cannot avoid this forever." _

"_I can try." Tony lifted his watery eyes to her, like he was begging her to let him hide from it all just a little longer but Ziva just smiled sadly and shook her head. _

"_Come on, I'll give you a ride to the airport."She gave his hand a squeeze before he headed off to get dressed. Watching his retreating form, Ziva saw how his shoulders slumped under the weight of everything like he couldn't find the strength to carry his burdens. But she knew that he was strong enough to handle this. _

_Somehow, she'd make him see that._

"Ziver," Gibbs called out, startling her back to the present. His expression was soft with the kind of sympathy that can only come from someone who knew loss themselves. "Keep me informed." He added.

"Of course." She agreed, hoping that her partner would include her in his grief as he had last night and not shut her out like she had done to him.


	4. You Thought They'd Be Here Forever

_Have you ever lost someone and wanted one more conversation, one more chance to make up for the time when you thought they would be here forever? If so, then you know you can go your whole life collecting days and none will outweigh the one you wish you had back.— Mitch Albom, For One More Day_

The weather was cold and wet when Tony finally made it out of the airport which felt oddly appropriate given the circumstances. _It should rain when someone dies _he thought to himself, huddling deeper into his wool jacket as he attempted to get a cab. It had been sunny the day Kate died. A bright cloudless day that had quickly dissolved into a more fitting downpour. Paula and Jenny died on sunny days too. It was only his mother who had managed to avoid the contradiction. She died on a moonless summer night that was so dark Tony thought it would swallow him up whole.

His mom. He'd been thinking about her a lot more these days ever since he'd found the old pictures from their last few days together. He wondered what she'd think of the man her little boy had grown up to be. Would she be proud of all that he had accomplished or disappointed like his father had been of the choice he'd made? There were so many things he wanted to share with her and talk to her about, the biggest thing being his partner. He could have used her perspective over the years when things weren't going right between them.

Mostly though, he would have wanted to introduce them to each other. They would have liked each other and would have loved gossiping about him behind his back. Ziva reminded him a lot of his mom. They were both strong, smart, beautiful, independent women who could take care of themselves. Tony sighed at the thought of the countless lost opportunities as he finally hailed a cab outside of JFK.

"Where you headed?" The cabbie asked.

"New York Mercy."

* * *

Ziva wasn't accomplishing much at work (unless she counted irritating both McGee and Gibbs in the same hour as an accomplishment). Her mind was with Tony. He had texted her just after eight saying that he was on the ground in New York and she had been distracted ever since, checking her phone every few minutes in the hopes that he would call her when it was all over. It was almost one o'clock now and she still hadn't heard anything form Tony. It was making her impatient.

"How long does it take someone on life support to die?" Ziva asked aloud and then instantly hated herself for how heartless the comment sounded coming out of her mouth. McGee thankfully seemed to understand the meaning behind her question and didn't appear offended by it.

"Well, it depends on how sick the person is. With some people it can take a few days before they actually pass away." He explained.

"Oh." She frowned. She wasn't used to this drawn out process of dying. Everyone she had ever lost was just gone. There was no lingering or plugs to pull. They were simply here in one breath and gone in the next.

"You should call him." McGee sighed when she reached to check her phone for the third time in the last ten minutes. Ziva looked at him with a mixture of guilt and exasperation.

"I already tried. He did not answer. He is probably at the hospital and had to turn his phone off." She said like the lack of communication didn't bother her.

The deep worry lines that creased her forehead and around her eyes betrayed her though. McGee shook his head in mild annoyance. Tony had worn the same expression on his face the entire time that Ziva had been in Israel burying her father. The two of them could be so transparent at times, yet they refused to admit that their feelings ran deeper than 'just friends'.

"He'll call when he's ready." He stated. His attempt at comfort seemed to fail though when her face fell even more and she turned away from him and back to her work.

"And if he doesn't?"

"He will." McGee insisted.

"What makes you so sure?" Ziva pushed. Her eyes flickered back to him and he could see the flicker of hope that burned in them. She wanted, almost needed, him to convince her that he was right.

"Because he l—" McGee caught himself before he blurted out '_Because he loves you!'_. That wasn't his declaration to make. "Because he's your partner." He corrected and the hope in her eyes seemed to burn just a little bit brighter.

**a/n: **I wanted to make this longer, truly I did. Unfortunately, it just didn't work out that way. And yes, Brookhaven is a real town in New York. It's out on Long Island and would be the kind of town that Tony would have grown up in.


End file.
